Title: Bad Boys
Authors: Cassie & Kristi
Rating: PG-13 (we think)
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: Play Pen Magazine isn't ours, Mulder and Krycek aren't ours... but we own the comments!
Date: February 8, 2000
Author's Note: This is actually a real story... but with some exaggerations. We came up this this story while we were at the ballet on Christmas Eve 1999. We were making a lot of these comments...

WE WANT FEED BACK!!!

and now on with the show.........


FADE IN:

INT. D.C. SUBWAY TRAIN CAR - NIGHT

It's gloomy... there is a stupid DJ on the radio... Mulder looks at the radio like it has just commited a sin.... Mulder is beat... his zoned out gaze falls to the floor.

MULDER'S POV - THE FLOOR AND HIS SHOES

The floor is a war zone... of bacteria and fungus... and a more frightening sight... a scary boy band magazine cover. His shoes, are dirty, he sees he is standing on some tickets, he lifts his shoe to get off the tickets... and they stick... we see a bright/dusty pink piece of chewed gum on his shoe....

NEW ANGLE - MULDER

Standing up... (**NOTE: No one else is on the train car**) He is hanging on to a pole, as he looks both ways to see if anyone is watching... shruggs his shoulders, lifts his foot up... and falls forward... but catches himself on an empty seat... and snatches the tickets from his shoe... the gum is still on the tickets... Mulder picks off the gum and drops it to the ground... a disgusted look is on his face....

CUT TO:

INT. MULDER'S APPARTMENT - NIGHT

The light of the fish tank luminates the room... with a blue tint. Mulder, we see is dialing the phone ... speed dial to Skinner's office, Skinner told him he was gonna work late. We hold on this angle of Mulder for a few beats.

SCULLY
(filtered, breathing deeply)
Yeah ...

MULDER
Oh hi Scully!
I found these two tickets
on the subway, some nice man
gave them to me. And I was wondering
if (long beat)

SCULLY
If...

MULDER
(confused)
Isn't this (beat)
I-I thought I was calling
Skinner?

SCULLY
(rather quickly)
Oh yeah. Here he is.

SKINNER
(irritated... he was busy...)
Skinner.

MULDER
(happy)
Hey Walt!

In the b.g. over the filter of the phone... we here a desk lamp and papers hit the ground... we hear Skinner go WHOA!.... the line goes dead.

Mulder shrugs ... hmmmmm ...

SMASH CUT TO:

ANGLE - KRYCEK'S DOOR

Flies open!! WHAM! Krycek looks startled and quickly turns off the TV. We see Mulder standing in the doorway ... he looks wired... possesed even.

MULDER
(determined/demanding)
You're coming with me!!

KRYCEK
Get out!

FADE OUT:

We hear the muffled sounds of conversation... beeps of car horns... angry words toward someone...

FADE IN:

EXT. ANDERSON THEATRE - DAY

MULDER

Stands looking at the threatre in all it's glory... as angry drivers pass him... he is in the middle of the road.... Krycek is on the sidewalk behind him....

KRYCEK

has to quickly pull Mulder away before he is run over by a semi... beeping at him...

CUT TO:

INT. ANDERSON THEATRE - BALCONY

ANGLE - MULDER AND KRYCEK

Getting comfy in their seats.

MULDER

Is bouncing in his seat... he leans over to Krycek...

MULDER
I just can't get my
butt in right.

he squirms some more.

KRYCEK
(dull tone)
Thank you.

THE LIGHTS DIM

MULDER
(very child like)
Ooooh... it's time.

INTERCOM ANNOUNCEMENT COMES ON.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Your attention please (beat)
Our dancers at the Anderson
Theatre would like to remind you
that there is no food or drink
(Mulder pulls out potatoe chips;
the announcement reminded him)
alowed in this theatre. A reminder
That no flash cameras are allowed
(Krycek at this pulls out his little
camera and takes a picture of Mulder
eating his potatoe chips.) Thank you
for your cooperation. Enjoy the show.
(Mulder throws a potatoe chip at Krycek.)

KRYCEK
Wasn't the Arabian
Dancer from November's
issue of Play Pen Magazine?

MULDER
Yeah... I think so.
Good thinking.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. ANDERSON THEATRE - BALCONY - 20 MIN LATER

Lights are out, Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcraker" is playing. There are two women making their way to their seats ... they finally find their seats in front of Mulder and Krycek... Mulder has to remove his feet from their seats, after they look at him a few times ... he says "oh" ... he didn't realize they were gonna sit there.

Right away, Mulder and Krycek start to sniff the air. Their little noses cringe. There is a GOD AWFUL smell in the air!!! Kinda like the smell from teeny-bopper magazines... perfume. BLAH!

Mulder leans in towards Krycek ...

MULDER
(rather loud)
What is that smell?!

KRYCEK
Smells like (beat)
magazines!!

They both simultaneously turn their heads to look at the ditzs in front of them ...

MULDER
First they take my
foot rest, and then
they smell like magazines!

All of a sudden, Mulder spots one of the dancers dressed like a rat on the stage ... oh my God!!! Rats!!! All of a sudden... Krycek pulls out of his tux coat a can of Root Beer. He coughs very loudly and annoyingly.... and a dancer falls as Mulder laughs loudly... and then after coughing... Krycek opens his can of Root Beer. OOps ... everyone heard the can open ...

KRYCEK
(laughing to himself)
Oops. (little chuckle)
I did that wrong.

NEW ANGLE - STAGE

The male lead dancer prances out ... from behind the right wing ... ummm ... how to put this:

MULDER
(yelling at the male dancer)
Get some pants on!!

KRYCEK

hearing Mulder's comment..... laughs and spits out his root on DITZ #1, then spills the rest of his can of Root Beer on DITZ #2. They run out... to refresh their magazine perfume. Krycek CHUCKLES to himself... Mulder gives him a HIGH FIVE.

MULDER
Good one... Rat Boy.
(beat) Look! (re: Rats on
stage) There's your kind!!

MULDER

Is laughing at his own dumb joke.

KRYCEK

On the other hand..... wait... he only has one arm.... ok... anyways... GLARES at Mulder (still laughing out loud)... but before Krycek will hurt him... "The Arabian Dance" starts....

KRYCEK
(hits Mulder)
Hey......

MULDER
(confused)
Huh? (beat) (gets it)
Oh..... yeah....

MULDER AND KRYCEK

Start to take pictures.

TIME CUT TO:

Finale of "The Nutcracker" ... Mulder and Krycek stand up clapping ... they realize that everyone else thought it sucked so they stop ... all is quiet, as they sit back down.

THE LIGHTS COME ON!

MULDER AND KRYCEK

Are all alone ... they must have pissed off everyone!!!!!

MULDER
I told you he needed
pants.

FADE OUT:

THE END