Title ~ BOYS WILL BE BOYS!
Author ~ Gingfox (aka The Commander)
Disclaimer ~ Mulder and Krycek belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and the FOX network. I'm using them to showcase my warped sense of humour again!!
Rating ~ PG
Summary ~ Ask a stupid question, and what do you get? A stupid answer! - 10.9.99
Special Agent Fox Mulder was alone, or so he thought, in the FBI building's Archives room, when he heard footsteps echo on the linoleum tiled floor. Mulder gave a deep sigh, then looked up from the file he was studying to consider his visitor. It was Alex Krycek.
Mulder watched through narrowed eyes, as the younger man approached the long oak table at which he sat, and noted with a smirk, the look of surprise on Krycek's boyishly handsome face when he noticed Mulder sitting there.
"Oh! Agent Mulder, hello" said Krycek pleasantly, though in a small and soft voice. "What are you doing here?"
Mulder closed the file in front of himself, and smirked again, "I'm just doing a little research" he then informed Krycek dryly, as the other Agent placed a large Archival box on the table top.
"Me too" commented Krycek with a smile, and he felt Mulder's eyes bore into him as he took a seat at the table.
"Oh really?" began Mulder, his arms now folded in front of himself, "I didn't think you knew the meaning of the word, Krycek!"
Krycek gave Mulder a black stare, and chose to ignore his comment. As he lifted the lid off of the Archival box, Krycek asked -
"Where's Agent Scully?" Krycek removed a few of the files from the box.
"She left early" replied Mulder, as he reached for one of the files that Krycek had laid on the table.
"Oh?" began Krycek, "Isn't that unusual? I mean, Agent Scully never leaves early!" Krycek removed a few more of the files.
Mulder opened the new file, and without looking up from it's contents, he replied, "Yeah, well ...she's got a real good excuse though!" He shook his head, and looked across the table to Krycek.
"Oh" said Krycek, looking up from his own file, "And what's that?"
Mulder leant forward in his chair, and whispered in a low voice, "Womens' problems! You know, Krycek, that time of the month when women become sugar-craving, man-hating, she-demons from hell!" Mulder sat back in his chair, and began to laugh. Krycek, in spite of himself, couldn't help but grin.
"There's no denying that, Mulder" the younger man agreed with a slight chuckle. Then to disperse an awkward cloud of silence that threatened to fall, Krycek quickly added -
"Tell me, Agent Mulder" he began, trying to keep a straight-face, "Have you ever put on a bra and high heels, and tried to get in touch with your feminine side!?"
Mulder stared back at Krycek increduously, trying to comprehend if he'd actually heard, what he thought he'd heard!
"Well" prodded Krycek, still trying to keep a straight-face, "have you?"
"Are you insinuating that I'm gay, Agent Krycek?" Mulder then spoke.
Krycek began to snigger, causing Mulder to give him a decidedly foul look.
"Oh! No, Agent Mulder!" said Krycek, trying hard not to really laugh, "That's not what I mean ... !"
"Are you trying to tell me then, Agent Krycek, that you are? A cross-dresser maybe!?" Mulder raised an eyebrow at the younger Agent, and grinned as Krycek gave him a look of pure shock.
"No way, Mulder!" Krycek declared a little loudly, "I was only wondering if you'd ever attempted to try and understand what makes a woman tick!"
Mulder nodded his head as if in acknowledgement, and grinned back at Krycek with a mischievious glint in his hazel eyes.
"I think there's more to this conversation than you're letting on, Krycek!" Mulder then began a little mysteriously, "I think you're trying to tell me something, but you just don't know how to!" Mulder then smiled at the younger man in a teasing way.
Krycek stared back at Mulder, wondering what the other Agent could possibly be alluding to, when the penny well and truly dropped!
"Mulder" began Krycek, sounding a little nervous, "Are you assuming that I'm trying to tell you that I've ... um ... I've come out of the closet!?"
Mulder couldn't help but grin some more, "Hey" he began, "you're the one telling the story!"
It was Mulder's turn to try and keep a straight-face, but he couldn't help but laugh when he saw the mixed expression of anger and disgust on Krycek's face.
"I'm not! Okay!?" Krycek spat out the words angrily. He stared across the table at Mulder who dared to pull a rude face back at him. Krycek was fuming!
"Oh" Mulder then smirked, "Not what, Krycek? Gay, or just coming out of the closet!?"
Krycek was really beginning to look furious now, and he glared back at Mulder, his temper barely in check. Krycek really would have liked to have leapt across the oak table, and land a few punches to the side of Mulder's head, but he resisted the urge ... just!
"I'm neither!" Krycek fairly screamed at Mulder, "I'm not gay, I'm not coming out of the closet, I'm not even a damn cross-dresser! Satisfied!?"
Krycek had stood up from his chair, and gripped the edge of the oak table so tightly, that his knuckles shone white! He couldn't believe that Mulder would assume he was gay over a stupid little question!
Mulder began to smirk even more, and leant back in his chair a little precariously.
"Satisfied ... hmmm!!" Mulder seemed to toy with the word, and he raised an eyebrow at Krycek again. He was in the mood for a little fun ... at Krycek's expense!
"Am I satisfied?" Mulder then asked of the other Agent, "Hell no, Krycek! I'm not satisfied! Come to think of it, I haven't been satisfied in a *long* time! Nope, I'm not satisfied at all. I just can't find the right person to satisfy these raging hormones of mine!"
Krycek sat back down in his chair, giving Mulder a disgusted look as he did so. He became instantly suspicious of the strange expression on Mulder's face, and tried to choose his words carefully.
"What do you mean, Mulder?" Krycek began in a small voice.
"Exactly what I just said!" insisted Mulder, who was still trying to play it straight, "I'm not satisfied, Krycek! I want to be satisfied!" Mulder then slammed a tightly clenched fist down on the table top, causing a startled Krycek to jump slightly from his chair.
Krycek quickly composed himself, swallowed dryly, and looked across to Mulder who was now eyeing him a little strangely.
"Um ... " began Krycek a little nervously, "What can I do for you?" He immediately winced at the usage of his words, and stared at Mulder.
"That's easy" began Mulder, lowering his voice and speaking a little softly. He then reached a hand out across the table towards Krycek's, "you can satisfy me, Krycek ... " Mulder winked at the even more startled Agent, causing Krycek to remove his hands from the table top in lightning quick speed. Krycek leant back in his chair, and stared back at Mulder. Was this really happening? Was Agent Mulder really coming on to him? What sort of sick joke was this?
"Um ... yeah!?" said Krycek, in what could only be described as a nervous sounding squeak, "What are you trying to say?"
Mulder puckered his lips, winked at Krycek again, laughing as he did so. Then suddenly, he slammed a clenched fist on the table top again, and leant forward, literally yelling into Krycek's face.
"You can satisfy me, Krycek, but shutting that damn mouth of your's, and stop asking me stupid questions! Okay!?"
Krycek gave Mulder a nervous smile, "Okay!" he agreed, "I can do that, not a problem!"
Mulder fixed the younger man with a dark stare, then the two Agents returned to their respective files and research.