Title: The Possessed Toilet
Written by: Nathan

Narrator: It was a mild spring day outside, so Moulder and Krychek decided to have a picnic on their living room floor. They had spam and orange concentrate, with a side of preheated sausage links. Krychek spared no expense in buying the very best Powdered Milk available. So they sat down to have a wonderful picnic, when Krychek remembered that he needed to go to the bathroom.

Krychek: Ohh. Eeh. Ahh. Uhh.

Moulder: What's wrong, Krychek?

Krychek: We Russians can hold our liquor…it's just a matter of keeping it held.

Moulder: What? You're arm gets tired after a while? Well I can see why that would happen, since you're minus an arm.

Krychek: WHAT?!? I have to go take a wee-wee badly!

Moulder: Well what's that got to do with holding a glass of rum in your hand?

Krychek: Never mind. I've got to use the restroom.

Krychek walks out of the room and into the bathroom. After about two minutes you hear a loud feminine scream followed by Krychek running out of the bathroom and behind Moulder.

Krychek: Moulder! Moulder! Help me. There's something in the toilet!

Moulder: Don't be so silly, Krychek. I'll just call Scully and she can come over.

Krychek: How would that help?

Moulder: I don't know, but Scully would come over and you could go and see a movie.

Krychek: You still think that she likes you, don't you Moulder?


Krychek: Moulder when she kissed you at that party, it was because she was drunk and thought you were Director Skinner.

Moulder: LIAR! What would she see in director Skinner? I mean he's BALD! And…and…not that good looking. Although I'm not saying that I've ever really looked.

Krychek: Moulder, you'll just end up hurting yourself if you call her.

Moulder: Then I'll be hurt! I'm calling her.

Moulder dials Scully's number. Director Skinner picks up the phone.

Skinner: (in a tired voice) Mmm…Hello?

Moulder: Who is this?

Skinner: Is that you Moulder?

Moulder: Well…maybe.

Skinner: Scully's taking a shower right now.

Moulder: Oh…well…I suppose I'll just call back.

Moulder quickly hangs up the phone.

Krychek: Now that that's over with can we please deal with the toilet problem?

Moulder: Sure. What's wrong with it anyways?

Krychek: I think it's possessed! The water was all green and I could hear some cackling coming down from inside of it!

Moulder: I bet it's those aliens who kidnapped my sister when I was a child!

Krychek: But I thought the Cancer Man took her?

Moulder: Oh…right. I bet it's something of alien origin though.

Krychek: I don't think so. My mother used to tell me that if you weren't careful you could get your toilet possessed by a Leprechaun! And I bet that that's what has happened.

Moulder: Whatever. Let's just fix the problem.

They walk into the bathroom and see that the entire toilet is now glowing green.

Moulder: Hmm…this could possibly be a backup of lucifrates, in a phospholuminescent chemical, with a silicon based enzyme of multiple thermo-nucleic acids combining to create a strange glow that is also a reasonably good air conditioning supplement.

Krychek: Alright, now what exactly is it that you just said.

Moulder: Oh, well you see it's quite simply explained by…well it's a combination of…I mean it's very easily explained by putting it as…you just have to understand the basic linear mathematics of…of…(in a very meek voice) I'm not exactly sure.

Krychek: You see a Leprechaun has possessed the toilet. Now we'll never be able to use the toilet safely ever again.

Moulder: Calm down Krychek. It's not a Leprechaun.

Toilet: Who are you talking about you morons! Now listen up, I'm the new boss around here. You'll take your orders from me from now on!

Moulder: What are you talking about you silly toilet.

Toilet: What I'm talking about you silly haired man is that from now on I'm in control of your lives. You will never use my seat unless you ask me first. Which you will never be able to do, unless you do exactly as I say. Now, do you understand?

Moulder: No, I don't know.

Toilet: It's quite simple. First of all you have to go and get me a summer Bouquet!

Moulder: What?

Toilet: Oh you know, a lovely assortment of summer flowers.

Moulder: Why would you want those?

Toilet: Just go and do it.

Moulder: Come on Krychek. Let's go.

Moulder and Krychek exit the bathroom and go back into the living room. They sit down on the blanket once more moving aside all of the food.

Moulder: I don't think that that's really the toilet or some Leprechaun talking to us. I think it's some guy from downstairs. I'm going to go and find out.

Krychek: What are you talking about? And what are you planning on doing anyways?

Moulder: Just do me a favor Krychek.

Krychek: What?

Moulder: No matter how much you hear me scream or cry out, do not open this door for any purpose. Will you do this for me?

Krychek: Yes.

Moulder: Then I go to meet my destiny.

Moulder gets up and walks into the bathroom with a very serious look on his face. Krychek follows behind him and locks the door behind Moulder. Camera moves to a shot of Moulder from his chest up. You hear Moulder unzip his pants and he sits down on the toilet. He gets a very pleasurable look on his face, when suddenly he leaps up and cries out while he pulls up his pants. He looks at the toilet in horror. There is a periscope sticking out of it, with one large bloodshot eye staring at him. Moulder runs to the door and begins pounding on it and yelling at Krychek to let him out.

Moulder: Please Krychek! Let me out, PLEASE! It's after me! It's so horrible! I didn't mean what I said about not letting me out! Really!

Krychek: Fine! I'll let you out if you're so adamant about it.

Moulder bursts out and slams the door shut behind him.

Moulder: Why did you open the door? Can't I trust you to do anything?

Krychek: What? You were begging me like a baby to let you out. Besides, what happened in there?

Moulder: I was sitting on the toilet, when I felt something very hard, and very cold pop up underneath me. It was a periscope!

Krychek: Right Moulder. Why don't you just come over here and sit down.

Moulder: Are there any periscopes under there?

Krychek: Don't worry Moulder, it will be all right.

Moulder: Will you please go in and see if the naughty periscope is still looking up at us?

Krychek: I suppose.

Krychek walks into the restroom very cautiously, watching for periscopes that might be protruding from any of the restrooms many orifices. He doesn't see anything, when suddenly a periscope slowly rises from the toilet.

Krychek: What in the…

Toilet: SILENCE!

Krychek: Why should I-

Toilet: Because I said so, you silly one-armed Russian-like man.

Krychek: What's wrong with you?


Krychek: You're too silly to talk too right now.

Krychek walks over too the toilet.

Toilet: Stop it. What are you doing?

Krychek: I'm going to flush you're silly behind down the toilet. What do you think I was going to do?

Krychek drops a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet before flushing it. The toilet screams and then a loud thud is heard right below the floor.

Krychek walks out of the room and sees Moulder curled up in a fetal position on the couch with a bowl covering his butt where he had been violated.

Krychek: Something strange is going on here. I'm not sure, but I think that our possessed toilet is actually possessed by the people downstairs, not a Leprechaun.

Moulder: I knew that. Let's go and bust him.

Krychek: Fine.

Moulder and Krychek slowly inch past the restroom and out the door. They make their way down the hallway in a very paranoid way. They go down the stairs looking like dorks trying to be stealthy. When they reach the apartment that is right beneath theirs, they can hear some banging and some swearing coming from inside of the apartment. Moulder rams his shoulder into the door and just keeps leaning on the door with a look of both surprise and pain on his face. He starts to massage his arm, when Krychek kicks the door, ripping the door off of its hinges, and sending Moulder sprawling into the room.

Krychek: HEY! WHO'S HERE?

Stranger: No one. Now go away!

Krychek: Fine. Just checking!

Krychek walks over to the door and signals Moulder to stay put. He opens and shuts the door. A moment later an overweight and balding man walks to the door with only a wife-beater and his boxers on.

Stranger: Wh…wh…who are you?

Krychek: Have you been possessing our toilet?

Stranger: Well…(looking down at his feet) yes.

Moulder: Why?

Stranger: I like seeing other people's toilets. It's so wonderful. It's so exhilarating.

Krychek: You're a sick person you know that?

Stranger: I've been going to group to get some help with my problem, but I can't stop.

Moulder: Just stop looking up at our bathroom, okay?

Stranger: Sure.

Krychek: By the way, why was our toilet glowing green?

Stranger: Well…I don't get out much to go and shop. Instead I keep my window open and feed on the bugs that fly into my apartment. Lately, though my diet has consisted mainly of fireflies. Interestingly enough, the chemical reaction of the fireflies light source makes you're…eh hem…bodily byproducts glow. The toilets in the apartment have been slightly congested today, making a slight back up.

Moulder: Oh.

Krychek: Well then…don't spy on us anymore. Okay?

Stranger: Uh huh.

Moulder and Krychek exit the room. Camera shoots back to the stranger, who walks towards his bed and lies down. The camera shoots to an overhead view of the man, who begins to glow green.

Fade out.