Title: Bluhp! Bluhp!
Author: Cassie
Date: September 3, 2000
Author's Note: I'm insane! What's so wrong with that?! :P
Summary: Mulder and Krycek go shopping ... ever wonder what the fish see when no one else is at home?
Rating: Hmmmm ... PG-13
ANGLE - CLOCK ON WALL - MULDER/KRYCEK'S APARTMENT
The clock reads 4 a.m.. We PAN DOWN to the fish tank on Mulder's side of the apartment. It is really quiet in the apartment, Mulder and Krycek probably haven't woken up yet. The camera continues to approach the fish tank, then SUDDENLY, the camera PLUNGES into the fish tank.
AIR BUBBLE DISSOLVE TO:
ANGLE - FISH POV - THROUGH FISH TANK - THE LIVING ROOM
(note: from here on, it's strictly FISH POV, if different it will be stated.)
Mulder and Krycek enter the living room. Their voices are muffled since we are in the fish tank. We can't make out what they are talking about.
ANGLE - POV - SEAWEED IN TANK
Mulder's 3 pet fish. They are hovering side by side, watching Mulder and Krycek.
JENNY THE FISH
Bluhp ... hey Jake,
where do you suppose
they are going now?
JAKE THE FISH
Bluhp... probably to
sit. Bluhp ... on the couch
Tony The Fish swims toward the seaweed (Our POV) and states:
TONY THE FISH
(to audience, irritated)
Why was I stuck in the
same bag as these two?
Tony The Fish swims back to Jenny The Fish and Jake The Fish.
TONY THE FISH
(gonna get pissed)
He better remember to
send that stupid red-head
over here to feed us (beat)
he never remembers to feed us.
FISH - POV
Mulder approaching the fish tank, he's making fishy lips he drops some fish food into the tank.
TONY THE FISH
Yes! (swims to top)
He remembered! Bluhp!
The fish all look at Mulder as he begins to speak to them.
MULDER
(muffled)
You boys behave now,
Daddy Mulder and Daddy
Krycek are going Christmas
shopping for awhile ---
JENNY THE FISH
--- this early in the morning! ---
MULDER
(continued, muffled)
--- now you may wonder
"why so early?" ---
JAKE THE FISH
--- Geez man! Go! ---
MULDER
(continued, muffled)
--- well it's hard for us
to find good gifts for our
friends (beat) ---
TONY THE FISH
--- dear God, let him
shut up. ---
MULDER
(continued, muffled)
--- of course you wouldn't
know about that, you're
just fish.
JENNY THE FISH
Be rude about it why don't ya!
(to audience) This guy talks
jibberish!
SUDDENLY, Mulder gets a goofy look on his face and whispers something inaudible to the fish.
JENNY THE FISH
What the - bluhp?!
Mulder puts his finger to his lips as if to signal the fish not to tell Krycek something.
JAKE THE FISH
Now what's he doin'?
The fish watch as Mulder walks up to Krycek and then pat him on the shoulder. Mulder then disappears into his room. Krycek looks annoyed until Mulder is out of sight, then Krycek smiles and shakes his head.
Then Krycek quickly approaches the fish tank, he presses his finger to the glass, Tony The Fish swims up to it and "fish kisses" his finger.
JENNY THE FISH
Don't Tony! He's not
food!
TONY THE FISH
(plastered to tank glass)
Then why's he doin' this?
Krycek quickly checks left then right, and then his attention is back to the fish. Krycek makes ... :::drum roll::: ... "fishy lips", and before walking away, he waves goodbye to the fish, smiling like an idiot.
JAKE THE FISH
Are they - bluhp -
gone yet?
JENNY THE FISH
Not yet... I doubt
they'll ever leave....
Then Mulder emerges, turns toward the tank and waves goodbye, Krycek rolls his eyes.
KRYCEK
Mulder. That's
so pathetic.
JAKE THE FISH
Why's he sayin' that
wavin' bye is pathetic? --
JENNY THE FISH
(yelling at Krycek)
Fish have feelings too!
Mulder and Krycek leave, Mulder forgets to lock his door ... again.
ALL THE FISH
(cheering, happy)
Hooray!!!
TIME CUT: A FEW HOURS LATER
Tony The Fish is swimming up and down witht the little alien spaceship toy that bobs up and down at the bottom of the tank. Jake The Fish is floating up-side-down near the top.
JENNY THE FISH
Bluhp! Jake! Get your
bluhp - fins down here!
JAKE THE FISH
Aw man! Why can't I
play dead?
TONY THE FISH
(still bobbing)
Cuz you scared the bluhp
out of that weird guy that
took us away from the goofy
guy the last time you did.
SUDDENLY Mulder's apartment door opens ... the fish see a man we've come to know as The Cigarette-Smoking Man, but the fish know him as ...
TONY THE FISH
(scared)
Wrinkle Hazard Man!!
Tony The Fish swims behind the seaweed to hide.
Jenny The Fish toughly flutters back, preparing to deal "business" with The ... Wrinkle Hazard Man ... Jenny The Fish swims right up to the glass.
JENNY THE FISH
Put 'em up!
Put 'em up!
Tony The Fish carefully swims up to Jenny The Fish.
TONY THE FISH
(whispering to Jenny)
B-bluhp ... that never works.
The fish watch as Cigarette-Smoking Man moves about the apartment, he pops in some random video tape and sits down on Mulder's couch.
JAKE THE FISH
Oh man! Don't do that!
Bluhp... if he only knew
what that weird guy and
blond girl did there...
JENNY THE FISH
Bluhp ... I think he's
about to find out...
The fish look to the TV screen, another home video comes on of Krycek and Marita doin' the wild thing on ... the couch! The CSM jumps off the couch and takes out his cell phone, turning off the TV.
CSM
(muffles, on phone)
Yes. Send the team over.
The fish look to each other, they have looks of fear on their fish faces, eyes big and wide ...
TONY THE FISH
I hope - bluhp - he doesn't
bring all those women over
here again, as much as it -
bluhp - sucks to see weird guy
and - bluhp - blondie do things
, I'd prefer - bluhp - them over
Wrinkle Hazard Man!
TIME CUT:
Agent Spender enters the apartment after knocking on the door. He looks annoyed with the CSM.
JENNY THE FISH
Hey! Wake up guys!
The cute doowingle is here!
TONY THE FISH
Yay! Cute doowingle!!
Spender comes a bit closer to the tank ...
JAKE THE FISH
He's such a cute
baby doowingle!
All 3 fish start "fish kissing" the water trying to get Spender's attention. Spender signals 7 guys (the team) over to the couch, to remove it. A few moments after the couch is removed, another group of 7 men enter with a new couch.
SPENDER
(muffled, to CSM)
Tell me, why are you
doing this?
The CSM points toward the TV and presses "play" on the remote control. Spender sees Marita and Krycek in a love lock.
SPENDER
(muffled, appauled, to CSM)
God! Turn that off!
CSM
(muffled, to Spender)
That's why ... (takes a drag)
JAKE THE FISH
(comments on CSM)
I like smoke.
A few minutes later, everyone leaves and the fish are all alone again.
JAKE THE FISH
Hey, bluhp - do you think
that kid will come by today
and read their magazines
outloud?
And wouldn't we know it, slowly Mulder's apartment door creaks open, and a 9 year old boy enters the apartment, sits down on the couch and grabs a "Play Pen" magazine and opens it up. Glances through the table of contents and starts flipping to a certain page...
TONY THE FISH
I - bluhp - hope he
reads one of those
"little green men" stories
outloud again.
The kid continues to flip through the magazine.
KID
(muffled)
Wow! Those are disgusting!
(turns to the fish)
Who would buy this?
The kid continues flipping until he reaches the story.
JENNY THE FISH
Bluhp! I think he's
found it!
All the fish gather into the corner of the tank anticipating the story... the kid turns to the tank.
KID
(to fish)
Hi guys!
ALL THE FISH
Hi Joey!!
The fish fins are fluttering frantically, their eyes widen even more, they are happy.
KID
(reading)
a-and the actual skin color
of E. B. E.'s ... uh ...
extra-terrestrial bio-log-ical
entie-tees ... is gray. (to fish)
I thought they were green!
JENNY THE FISH
What's that Joey?
SUDDENLY, Joey reacts to something inaudible to the fish. He quickly throws the pron magazine under the coffee table and runs out.
Tony The Fish smacks his fish tail against Jenny The Fish's head...
TONY THE FISH
You scared him away!
JENNY THE FISH
Aw! Man! I'm so stupid!
As time passes by, the fish get even more bored than they were when they were alone before ...
SMASH CUT:
ANGLE - MULDER's LIVING ROOM - DOOR FLIES OPEN
Scully and Skinner come flying through, lip-locked!!
We are not in Fish POV now. We see the fish tank in the BACKGROUND, the fish are very animated reacting to the sudden entry of Scully and Skinner. Skinner is roughly declothing Scully as they fall down onto the couch, still lip-locked.
RESUME - FISH POV - SCULLY & SKINNER ON THE COUCH
TONY THE FISH
Bluhp! Who the..?
What the...?!
JENNY THE FISH
Th-that's ...red-head
and baldy!
JAKE THE FISH
I had no idea they
did this too!
ANGLE - CLOSE
Skinner and Scully's heads, still making out. We believe that they haven't taken a breath of air since arriving.
SCULLY
(breathing hard)
Walter ... don't you
think we should ...
SKINNER
(finishes her sentence, breathing hard)
... cover the fish tank?
(beat) ... yeah ...
Skinner stands up and takes off his shirt and places it over the fish tank.
ANGLE - POV FISH
The shirt covers their view of the couch Scully and Skinner are on.
TONY THE FISH
(relieved)
Bluhp you.
As the moments go on, the sounds from Scully and Skinner intensify, screaming and sounds of objects falling are all we hear ... as the fish try to steady themselves in the wavy water ... wavy from the couch bumping up against the shelf that their tank is on.
ALL THE FISH
(being rocked)
Whoa! Ahhh! Eeeee!!
Wooohooo!!!
As the pleasureable screams continue to intensify, suddenly we hear Scully and Skinner fall off the couch, breathing hard ... all over ... very well done.
JENNY THE FISH
Oh dear. Isn't that how
baby doowingles are made?
Off the fishes odd looks, we:
TIME LAPSE
AIR BUBBLE DISSOLVE OUT OF FISH TANK
INT - MULDER/KRYCEK'S APARTMENT - 4 PM
We PAN around the apartment, it looks fine, every intruder is gone, and Scully and Skinner tried their best to clean up after themselves, but some items are out of place.
ANGLE - KRYCEK'S DOOR
it opens revealing Mulder and Krycek.
TONY THE FISH (V.O.)
Hey hey, think they'll notice?
JENNY THE FISH (V.O.)
Do they ever?
JAKE THE FISH (V.O.)
Nope. Bluhp...
Krycek and Mulder go into Mulder's living room and sit down on the couch. They look dead, tired from an unsuccessful day of "shopping". Krycek picks up the TV remote control and turns on the MSK channel, their favorite TV show is on ... "Syndicate X".
KRYCEK
(to Mulder)
Hey, thanks for lunch today...
MULDER
No problem, but I think
if we hadn't eaten so much
we could have found something.
Krycek nods in agreement and lies down, he senses something wet on the couch...
KRYCEK
(disgusted)
Ew! What is this?!
MULDER
(confused)
What's what?
KRYCEK
There's something sticky on
the couch.
Krycek wipes his hand on the floor. He and Mulder shrug it off and continue to watch "Syndicate X". Off their relaxed expressions we:
FADE OUT:
THE END