Title: A Neurocromatic Biofilatic White Christmas
Written By: Cassie & Kristi
Author's Note: Too much caffeine ... just wait until you read the second part! :::mutters something about too much 3rd Rock:::
Spoilers: none.
Disclaimer: We don't own Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings", or G.I. Joe. It was used without permission... we are not profiting.


...Previously on "Fox and Rat"...

CUT TO:

Mulder standing in front of the windows with painted snowflakes:

MULDER
We have to have a
white Christmas.

Krycek pours water over himself.

LIGHTNING BOLT CUT TO:

INT. FBI - LADIES ROOM

Spender is trying to help Mulder control Krycek:

KRYCEK
(yelling)
You can't take me! (beat)
I'm the High Commander!

FADE IN:

INT. FBI - LADIES ROOM

Mulder and Spender tackle Krycek.

MULDER
He said you're coming with us!

Mulder slips and Krycek wiggles free from Spender and is on the run.

SPENDER
STOP!!

Mulder is still on the ground.

SPENDER
Get up, Mulder! (beat)
He's loose!

As they run out of the door... Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings" starts up...

INT. FBI HALLWAY

Krycek is running like a mad man.

MULDER
(grabbing his gun)
There he goes!

They run after Krycek like a bunch of lunatics... Krycek continues to scream as his arms fly about...

KRYCEK
(running)
NO-OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Mulder takes a leap for him... and misses! Falling flat on his face and slides on his stomache.

MULDER
Get him!

Spender pulls his gun, and aims... he fires!

KRYCEK
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

He missed him.

SPENDER
KRYCEK!!

KRYCEK
BUT I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER!

Mulder gets up off the floor as Spender and Krycek round the corner.

MULDER
(out of breath)
Get him....

He hunches over... gasping for air. He falls back down like a baby.

CUT TO:

OTHER HALLWAY

Spender is still chasing Krycek. Firing his weapon at him once again.

SPENDER
You are't a High
Commander! (beat) STOP!!!

Krycek picks up speed. A door opens and Krycek rams right into it.

Skinner looks down at the floor to find out who he just knocked out.

Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings" stops abruptly.

SKINNER
(angry)
Agent Spender please explain
to me what is going on.

Spender quickly hides his gun.

SKINNER
And what happened to Agent Mulder?

Suddenly... Mulder comes around the corner screaming something we can't understand.

SKINNER
Agent Mulder!

Mulder stops dead in his tracks...

SKINNER
Can someone explain to me
what just happened here.

Krycek moans from the ground.

SPENDER
Well, sir, Agent Krycek has
gone insane, and was on the loose.

MULDER
We worried for his life.

Skinner looks at Mulder and then to Spender.

SKINNER
Agent Spender, can you explain
to me why you saw fit to fire
your weapon at Agent Krycek.

Spender ponders this for a moment... he is about to answer with who knows what when:

KRYCEK
(very sophisticated)
Because I'm the High Commander
and they're jelouse.

Skinner give a look.

KRYCEK
(re: Skinner's look)
The High Commander.

Spender sits on the ground... this is going to be a long one.

MULDER
(under breath)
Here we go...

Mulder joins Spender on the ground.

KRYCEK
You see, a long time ago...
on the planet Xandericsumslazarious...

TIME CUT TO:

INT. FBI HALLWAY - HOURS LATER

Mulder is laying down, Spender is looking at his gun, and Skinner has joined the two agents on the ground.

KRYCEK
-and by doing that (proudly) I
became the High Commander.

Krycek looks towards them. All of them look up at him.

MULDER
(dead panned)
That was the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Krycek looks appauled.

KRYCEK
(challenging)
Well, I'd love to see you
pull the horns of a Baczium out!

Everyone just looks at him. They start to get up.

SKINENR
(to Krycek)
Come on.

Skinner grabs Krycek's prothstetic arm. Krycek makes a paniced run for it.

KRYCEK
NO-OOOO!!!

The left arm flies off!! He stops dead in his tracks. He looks to where his left arm should be and then to Skinner who is holding the arm. Spender and Mulder start to snigger.

There is a moment of silence... the silence is broken by Skinner... who burst out laughing. Krycek looks shocked and falls to the ground... playing dead. This just causes them all to laugh more.

KRYCEK
(weak)
You've killed me...

He goes still. They continue to laugh.

The door from the party room opens and Scully, Marita, and Agent Alfredo enter the hallway...they've had too much to drink. Noticing Krycek lying on the ground, playig dead, they look to Spender who is holding the gun

MARITA
(to Spender)
You've killed him!

Krycek twitches as if spazing from his 'death'.

Spender drops his gun to the ground, causing it to go off. Scully has to jump to avoid being hit in the foot by the bullet.

SCULLY
SPENDER!

They are all ignoring Krycek.

SKINNER
(approaching Spender)
Agent Spender, if your gun
goes off near Dana again-

SPENDER
-Since when do you call her Dana?

Mulder and Alfredo snigger.

SKINNER
That's none of your business-

SPENDER
-Yes, but Bureau policy states
that an agent and their superior-

KRYCEK
(over dramatic, shouting out of nowhere)
What about me?!!

Agent Alfredo walks over to Krycek and bends over to speak to him. Everyone looks at Krycek oddly.

ALFREDO
At least now I'm taller
than you are, shorty.

Krycek opens one eye really wide. Alfredo walks away sniggering and shaking his head. Spender and Skinner have forgotten what they were discussing.

Scully and Marita sit down next to Krycek and try to 'revive' him. Marita starts to give him CPR... Krycek smiles goofily.

MULDER
(sarcastically)
Marita, doing that is
against Bureau policy.

MARITA
I'm not FBI.

Scully gets up off the floor and goes back in to the party room, she comes back out with a glass of water, and throws it on Krycek's head.

There is a flash of lightning, then Krycek stands up pissed.

KRYCEK
SCULLY! What the hell?!

There is a beat, Krycek walks up to Mulder and hugs him.

KRYCEK
Mulder!

Krycek walks up to Skinner and hugs him.

KRYCEK
Skin Man!

Everyone watches as Krycek hugs everyone as if he hasn't seen them in a while. He hugs Scully, Alfredo, and kisses Marita passionatily.

KRYCEK
It's good to be back!

SPENDER
Krycek, are you feeling ok?

KRYCEK
Better than ever, I'm not
tied to a chair being
interrogated by aliens.

Krycek hugs Spender.

KRYCEK
(realizing)
Where's my arm?

Skinner walks up to him and hands him his arm.

KRYCEK
Why do you have my arm?

MULDER
(sniggering)
'Cause you're the High Commander.

SPENDER
(bursting out)
Baczium Horns!!

Mulder and Spender laugh hysterically. Krycek doesn't have a clue what they are talking about. Mulder wanders off in search of something.

KRYCEK
Ok... I get it. (beat) This
is the kind of welcome back I
get... even after being interrogated
by aliens who called me 'Dick'. Thanks.

ALFREDO
Krycek... you went crazy.

Mulder comes back dragging the sled. They look at him as if he is the crazy one.

KRYCEK
Are you feeling ok?

MULDER
Ok Krycek, back in the sled.

KRYCEK
Never in my life, Mulder.

MARITA
(holds up camera)
We've got polaroids.

KRYCEK
(grabbing polaroids)
Let me see those.

He flips through the pictures, he sees that he infact sat in the sled, wearing a Santa hat, tied up, being dragged by Mulder.

Off their "Haha I told you so" looks we:

CUT TO:

INT. MARITA/SCULLY'S APT. - CHIRSTMAS MORNING

Mulder, Krycek, and Spender are asleep on the sofa sleeper. Mulder is hogging the blankets... though Krycek and Spender are asleep, they are freezing.

In the distance a gust of wind comes through the open window... with little bits of snow. Spender and Krycek shiver as they wake up... They look over to Mulder. Krycek wacks him awake. Mulder sleepily looks over.

MULDER
(rubbing his eyes)
Merry Christmas.
Spender hits him with a pillow. He's wearing G.I. Joe pyjamas.

MULDER
(realizing it's cold)
Brr... it's cold in here.

He cuddles up into the warm comfortable blankets even more.

MULDER
Close the window...

Suddenly, Scully storms out of her room and walks over to the window and slams it shut.

SCULLY
Wake up!

She walks over to them and tickles Spender.

SCULLY
(like talking to kids)
Wakey! Wakey!

She sits down in the middle of them... and pats Spender's messy curly hair. Marita comes out of her room and joins them... Patting Spender on the head. Skinner comes out of Scully's room wearing a Santa hat, he has a big grin on his face.

SKINNER
(singing)
We wish you a merry Christmas!
We wish you a merry Christmas!

SKINNER/SCULLY
(singing)
We wish you a merry Christmas!

MULDER
(singing)
And a Happy New Year!

Skinner takes their Christmas stockings off the edge of the bookshelf and hands them to their owners.

MARITA
(running to the Christmas tree)
We've got presents!

Mulder, Krycek and Spender loose their smiley faces.

KRYCEK
Umm... we have to pee...

He looks to Mulder and Spender. They stand up.

SPENDER
Umm... yeah...

All three of them walk to the bathroom.

SKINNER
There's only room for one!

Marita soon follows them...

INT. HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BATHROOM

The door to the bathroom is shut. Marita stands outside the door... hearing their discussion. Marita knocks on the door.

MARITA
Guys... Let me in...
I think we need to talk.

The door quckly opens and a hand comes out and pulls her quickly inside... the door is slammed sut.

INT. BATHROOM

Everyone is squished. Thier faces are inches a part.

SPENDER
(whispering)
-why did you guys
leave the presents in
the care anywas?

KRYCEK
(whispering)
You were the one that was
suppose to make sure we
stayed awake to go get them-

MULDER
(whispering)
-but you fell asleep firts!

MARITA
(whispering)
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (beat)
I was the one who brought
your presents in last night.

They all look at her. There is a small... tooting noise. Spender's nose wrinkles ups. Marita quickly opens the door, as Krycek pushes everyone out... leaving Mulder alone in the bathroom...

MULDER
(walking out calmly)
It's only natural guys...

As they all scurry into the living room... Scully and Skinner stop shaking presents and act like nothing happened...

MARITA
(re: shaking presents)
You guys!

SKINNER
We weren't doing anything,
now were we Dana...

Scully giggles.

SCULLY
Can we open now?!

Mulder kick-jumps in place and scurries over to Scully's side, bounching up and down looking up to Skinner waiting for an answer.

CUT TO:

most presents are opened. Mulder and Krycek are sitting across the living room from eachother playing with their empty water guns. Marita hands Scully another present, she unwraps it.

SCULLY
A frame!

MARITA
Look at the picture!

Scully flips the frame over and...

SCULLY'S POV - a picture of Marita and Scully from high school! They are wearing their cheerleader uniforms, which are purple and white.

SCULLY
Oh my God! How did
you find this?

MARITA
That's my little secret!

SCULLY
I though we burned that
years ago! Now I'm glad
you found it.

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. A PARK - SOMEWHERE CLOSE

The snow that fell the night before is about two feet. They are all bundled up for the cold weather... the snow isn't falling anymore... They are building a snowman... under the supervision of Mulder.

MULDER
Roll it!!! Make it bigger guys!

SPENDER
You could help Mulder.

MULDER
No way... too cold.

Krycek gives him a look....

KRYCEK
Oh sure... now Mr. 'I Want
A White Christmas' says it's
too cold. (beat) Does that
make scense to anyone else?

SCULLY
Nope.

MULDER
Just keep going guys!

They exchange looks... when suddenly, Krycek throws a snowball right at Mulder.

MULDER
Hey!

KRYCEK
It's only snow! You
wanted it...

Mulder makes a snowball and throws it at Krycek. Everyone joins in and tosses snowballs at Mulder... who gets tackled to the ground.

Off the sounds of their happiness...

FADE OUT:

THE END.