Title: Spider Paranoia
Written By: Nathan

Moulder and Krychek are sitting in their apartment watching the Home Shopping Network, and laughing hysterically. The reason that they can't stop laughing is because the woman on the network is trying to sell some of her balls. Laundry balls that is.

Moulder: Wow. Look at the size of those balls! I wish I had at least one good ball like that! How 'bout you Krychek?

Krychek: (Laughing so hard that his prosthetic arm begins to jounce up and down, constantly hitting the remote, switching the channel back and forth between the Home Shopping Network and some guy named Billy Bob Joe fishing in some silly bog) Nope. Tee-hee-hee. I wish my balls were as big as those. Tee-hee-hee.

Suddenly, Krychek stops laughing and gets a horrified look on his face. Moulder, however, continues laughing on by himself like a stupid jackal.


Moulder: What?!?

Krychek: Shclak Madech Phrulindentimenti!

Moulder: Shack n' make fruit indentment?

Krychek: Sp..sp…SPIDER!!!

Moulder: Where! (Moulder jumps up and begins to jerk his body from left to right trying to find the spider, and looking like a complete moron in the process)

Krychek: It was so huge and hairy! It had fangs like you wouldn't believe! It looked at me! It had murder in its eyes!

Moulder: Where is it?

Krychek: It went under the ta…ta…table.

Moulder walks over to the table and flips it over. A dark brownish shape runs across the floor in-between Moulder and Krychek. Moulder and Krychek both scream and run to opposites sides of the room. They both begin cowering in the fetal position as the spider begins to make a web between the coffee table and the couch. Moulder slowly begins to rise and move towards the bathroom door, but the spider turns to stare at him, forcing Moulder to resume his previous position.

Krychek: I think it's going to try and eat us!

Moulder: No. It's actually an alien insect that has been sent here to silence me. I know too much and they don't want me to reveal what I know. Look at how it's staring at me hungrily.

Krychek: No. It's after me. I just know it.

Moulder: Wait a minute…you're an alien too! I bet you've been sent here to make sure that the alien spider does its job! Aren't you!

Krychek: You are a sneaky fellow aren't you? Trying to make me believe that you're not really an alien trying to do exactly that!

Moulder: That alien bounty hunter sent you, didn't he?

Krychek: Bounty hunter? What bounty hunter?

Moulder: Don't play dumb with me. I know what it is you're up to. First, you make Scully think that she isn't really in love with me, and then you befriend me again, and again. You sneaky little bounty hunter garbage!

Krychek: What are you talking about? Scully was never in love with you, she was alwa…


Krychek: What kind of narcotic are you taking right now Moulder? What is it that makes you so delusional as to think that Scully is in love with you? She's really in love with Skinner. Can't you see that?

Moulder: NO! They're just good friends who occasionally sleep over at one another's house in the same room, which also happens to be the bedroom. What's so conspicuous about that?

Krychek: Well for starters…it's moving! It's coming over here!

Krychek pulls off his prosthetic arm and begins hitting the ground, trying to scare off the spider. The spider decides to change its course and heads for the front door. Krychek breathes a sigh of relief, until he sees that the spider is weaving a web all across the doorframe.

Moulder: What are you worried about? You're little pet spider's going to kill me. You only have to watch.

Krychek: I know the kind of game you're playing. I am not so naïve as you would take me for, you filthy alien pig-dog.

Moulder and Krychek continue arguing over who's really an alien bounty hunter, completely oblivious to the fact that the spider had woven it's web over almost everything.

Moulder: You're really an alien bounty hunter out here to get me!

Krychek: Whoa-hah. That's really rich, considering you weren't even scared of the spider until I acted like I was!

Moulder: It was next to you, so you must have just released it!

Krychek: Well why would I have…

Moulder: Shh. Look around Krychek. There are webs everywhere. Even if I were an alien, why would I have done all of this? Why wouldn't I just abduct you and then proceed to skin you alive, drop you into a huge vat of salt, and then douse you with lemon juice, while you're still alive?

Krychek: So you've thought of how to kill me already have you? Well we Russians aren't quite the pushovers you American's and aliens seem to think that we are.

Moulder: I was just being hypothetical with you. But it seems that you truly are an alien since you seem to feel so strongly about not being an alien.

Moulder and Krychek both stand up, forgetting about the spider, and continue fighting, moving closer to one another. The spider is running frantically around in circles, like a dog chasing it's own tail, completely confused by all of the yelling and shouting.

Moulder: I'll show you an alien you stupid, pompous Russian!

Krychek: Don't patronize me with you're hollowed threats, Squirrel Mildew!

Moulder: Its FOX MOULDER!

Moulder takes a step towards Krychek, when there's a slight CRUNCH. Moulder and Krychek both look down and see the spider crushed beneath Moulder's foot.

Krychek: I…I…It was just a normal house spider. Ha-ha.

Moulder: Sooo…umm…I guess I owe you an apology.

Krychek: Well…I guess…you know…I owe you an apology too.

Moulder & Krychek: Sorry for accusing you of being an alien bounty hunter…That's okay.

Moulder and Krychek give one another a hug. They each take a step back. They scan the room that is now almost completely coated in spider web. They give one another a flat look for a moment, and then set about dismembering the web. After a few seconds, Moulder cries out and jumps back to his old spot to assume his fetal position. Krychek looks at him puzzlingly and then looks where Moulder had just been. He too cries out and returns to his old position. Suddenly, all of the webs are covered by thousands of small brown dots running to and fro on the webs.

Moulder: I knew it! You ARE an alien!

Krychek: NO! I knew that YOU were an alien.

They continue arguing as the camera slowly zooms out of the room.

Fade out

The End