Title: A New Pet
Date: 10-26-00- Computer Lab at School
Authors Note: Monkey do, monkey see, monkey jump on the old guys bald spot. Everybody loves a silly monkey named JoJo. Also I would like to thank Cassie for creating the fish in the season 2 episode "Bluph! Bluph!"
Summary: Moulder gets a pet monkey, but how does Krychek feel about it?
Rating: G >:)
CUT TO EXT ASIAN BAZAAR
Mulder is walking along the sidewalk next to the Asian Bazaar, when he suddenly stops and steps towards the windows of the store. Mulder then enters the store.
CUT TO INT ASIAN BAZAAR
A small china man with shrewd eyes comes towards Moulder.
Store Owner: How…help…yoo?
Store Owner: How hewp…yoo?
Mulder: Oh! Well I noticed that you have an interesting store here.
Mulder looks around the room. There are jars everywhere filled with strange organs. Mulder looks on the shelf to the his right and shudders as a jar full of eyeballs stares back at him.
Store Owner: Yoo…wan…sumthing?
Mulder: Sure. I would like that monkey over there in your window.
Store Owner: Reely? Promise?
Mulder: Sure. How much?
Store Owner: Jus tak him. Plase!
Store Owner: But be warned. Do not ever leave him alone!
Store Owner: Than take it. Begone!
Mulder turns around and goes to pick up the monkey in the front window, while the old man is heard laughing in the background. Suddenly a chime begins to resonate throughout the whole store. Mulder quickly turns around and looks around the shop. The store owner is nowhere to be seen.
Mulder: Hah! He vanished just like the wind…
Store Owner: Cwap! That really hurt!
The store owners hand appears on the counter, followed by the other. His head then appears. He stands up and holds his hand against the side of his head. He swats at the wind chimes making them chime very loudly.
Store Owner: Owwww! My head hurts.
He grumbles as he begins to glare at Mulder with one of those, its-all-your-fault-that-I-smacked-my-head-against-the-wind-chimes, look. You know the one.
Mulder: Have you anymore words word's of wisdom for me before I go?
Store Owner: Yeah. Old Chinese Proverb say, don't ask a Chinese man questions after he smack his head against wind chimes and fall on back. Got it!
Mulder: Yes master. Thank you and good bye.
Store Owner: Get the hell out of here you bum!
Mulder bows towards the old man before he exits the store with the monkey being led by the hand.
CUT TO INT APT LIVING ROOM
Mulder opens the door and leads the monkey in. The monkey slowly begins to gaze around the room, then he spots the aquarium. He begins to waddle over while Moulder laughs at how silly the monkey looks before going into the kitchen to get something to eat.
CUT TO INT AQUARIUM
Tony The Fish: Oh look! Another hairy moron.
Jenny The Fish: I wonder if he's going to feed us?
Tony The Fish: He's probably dumber than the guy with the rubber arm!
Jake The Fish: Look! He's reaching into the tank with his furry hand!
Tony The Fish: Crap. Here we go again.
CUT TO INT APT LIVING ROOM
The Monkey picks up Tony The Fish and begin to examine him. Tony, being the ill-tempered fish that he is, jumps straight at the monkeys eye. The monkey gropes for it's eye and drops the fish back into the fish tank. The monkey starts crying out loudly and stumbles around the room. He feels the coat rack and so he climbs up it like it’s a tree. When he reaches the top he begins to groom himself.
CUT TO 3 HOURS LATER
Mulder is frantically looking around the house looking for the monkey. Krychek opens the door and walks to find Mulder lifting up all of the cushions on the couch and shouting out "Here Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey!" And then all at once the monkey jumps onto Krychek's head screaming. Krychek screams by the sudden darkness, fuzziness, and odd odor that hadn't been there before. He starts flailing his arms about in a crazed manner and knocking over everything around him. Suddenly, the monkey jumps off of his head and down to his side. Krychek continues flailing for no purpose for a moment longer. When he realizes that the monkey is not on his head anymore. He slowly looks about the room and then breathes a sigh of relief. But then the monkey screams again and tears off Krychek's prosthetic arm and begins to mercilessly beat him with it. Krychek gets an irritated look on his face, but is promptly smacked in the face with his arm by the monkey. He then gets a silly grin on his face, his eyes go cross-eyed, and he falls backwards unconscious. The Monkey jumps then jumps on his chest and stares nose to nose with Krychek. When Krychek doesn't move the Monkey stands up on it's hind legs and raises up the arm in triumph as though it were a trophy.
Mulder: What are you doing…um…what is your name anyways?
The monkey screams at him and then urinates on Krychek's chest. It then points down to it as though it says something. Mulder walks closer to see what it is.
Mulder: What is that?
The wet marks appear to make out "JoJo" across Krychek's chest.
Mulder: JoJo! What a nice name. Not too alien, yet not too earth bound. Lovely.
JoJo: Eeh. Eeh. Ooh.
JoJo begins jumping up and down on Krychek making his head bounce up and then hit the floor with a resonating *thud* *thud* *thud* *thud*
CUT TO 2 HOURS LATER
Krychek begins to slowly stir from his fallen position. He gropes his head painfully with his only good arm.
Krychek: I've got a horrible headache.
Mulder is trying desperately not to laugh.
Krychek: Why are you laughing like that?
Moulder: It's just that JoJo was…say where did he go anyways?
Suddenly there is a scream and Scully runs out of her room in her underwear. A second scream even higher than the first one comes from the room and then Skinner runs out of the room in his underwear. JoJo can be heard from inside of the room screaming like crazy.
Mulder: What are you doing here Skinner?
Skinner: I was…uhh…helping Scully with her new…uhh dress when…uhh…the door got stuck and…uhh…the air conditioner went off and uhh…we had to uhh…take off all of our clothes so that we could…keep cool. Umm…yeah.
Mulder: How unfortunate.
Krychek walks over to stand next to Scully. He begins to check her out from behind. Scully is oblivious to this until she begins to sniff the air.
Scully: Who smells like monkey piss?
Krychek looks around with a who-me? look on his face. He slowly backs up as everyone begins to glare at him. He trips over his prosthetic arm and then all at once is once again being mercilessly beaten by JoJo with his prosthetic arm. Mulder runs over and grabs the prosthetic arm as JoJo raises it above its head.
Mulder: No. Bad JoJo.
JoJo looks up at Mulder for a moment with a blank stare and then suddenly he bites Mulder in his calf. Mulder screams out in pain and begins to gimp around the room with JoJo firmly attached to Mulder's calf. Mulder starts pulling on JoJo's tail, but this only makes JoJo bite deeper. Krychek finally stands up and walks over to Mulder and JoJo. He smacks JoJo across the back of the head knocking JoJo unconscious.
Mulder: I was just about to do that you know Krychek.
Krychek glares at Mulder and then walks over and reattaches his prosthetic arm.
Krychek: Mulder, I think it's about time that you give back JoJo to the store keeper.
Mulder: Why? He's a good monkey with a few "problems" that's all.
Krychek: Well for starters he's attacked me twice, you once, scared Scully and Skinner and is just a sadistic little BASTARD!!! SO you're going to take him back to that store and give him back right NOW!
Mulder looks down at his feet with a guilty look on his face.
Mulder picks the limp body of JoJo and walks out the door.
Krychek looks at Scully and Skinner with a look of disbelief on his face.
Krychek: Soo…have you guys ever heard of tre du' monge?
CUT TO INT ASIAN BAZAAR
Mulder walks in and when the store keeper sees Mulder come in with the limp monkey in his arms he tries to hide behind the counter. Mulder walks up to the counter.
Mulder: Uh…excuse me? I'd like to return this monkey.
Store Keeper: No! You take him. You keep him. No return.
Mulder: But I have too my roommates are making me.
Store Keeper: No! You leave now.
JoJo begins to stir in Mulder's arms. The store keeper seeing this begins to quiver in a fetal position behind the counter. JoJo slowly raises his arm to his head where he was smacked with a glazed look like he had a hang over. But then JoJo sees the store keeper and hops up on the counter and begins to yell excitedly, while hopping up and down on the counter beating his hands on the top.
Store Keeper: Take him away! Take him away! Please! Quickly!
Mulder: What??? What's wrong with you?
Store Keeper: Bad monkey!!! Evil MONKEY!!!
The store keeper screams as JoJo jumps at him. Krychek runs into the store, knocking everything off the shelves with his prosthetic arm, and grabs Mulder by the arm.
Krychek: Come on Mulder. We'd better get out of here.
Mulder: What are you doing here Krychek?
Krychek: I was surfing the internet looking for any strange occurrences caused by monkeys. I came upon a story that happened in Mexico a few years back. Apparently a small Asian man and his monkey brutally murdered an entire village of people. They then disappeared. Nobody knows what happened to them. I think that the monkey is part of it.
While Krychek is saying all of this you can see the small Asian store keeper in the background fighting with the monkey. The monkey is always on his face. But as Krychek finishes his story the fighting ceases and you can no longer see the store keeper.
Mulder: Well the store keeper here is a small Asian man.
Krychek: You know what that means then don't you???
Mulder: He's really an illegal immigrant!!! Let's bust him.
Krychek: No. He's the murderer.
Suddenly the monkey rises from above the counter with glowing red eyes, followed by the store keeper with the monkey on his head.
Krychek: so you’re the vicious butcher of El Salvador!
Store Keeper: No. I'm the vicious and brutal butcher of Mexico Suburbs.
Mulder: Why did you do it?
Store Keeper: It's the monkey. That's why I gave him to you for free. Because he forces me to kill people. I had to get him away from me, but you brought him back and now I will have to kill everyone in this city. Silly, silly one-armed man.
Krychek: We can't let you do that. Right Mulder.
Mulder: Well…umm…I mean…that is to say…uhh…sure.
The Asian man jumps over the counter and begins to yell like a chicken and assumes, what is supposed to be a kung fu stance, but which ends up making him look like he's constipated. Krychek looks at him funnily and then whips his shoulder forward, slapping the Asian man across the face with his prosthetic arm. The Asian man falls down, unconscious and sends JoJo flying across the room. He lands, coincidentally, in a cage that promptly snaps shut. After a few seconds of recovering JoJo gets up and begins screaming and yelling like crazy.
Krychek: Go eat a banana you smelly, fur-ridden, rat-resembling mousy type creature.
Mulder: I really liked that monkey.
Mulder and Krychek walk out side by side, stupidly forgetting about the unconscious Asian mass murderer, and JoJo in the cage.
(Or is it)
(Shut up, I'm trying to sound mystical)
((You sound like a moron))
(No. I sound mystical)
There is a resounding guns shot followed by two loud >thuds<