Title: Fight For Silence
Author: Cassie
Rating: PG - for immature violence
Summary: Mulder and Krycek just can't seem to figure out how to turn off their state of the art vacuum cleaner and decide to try taking extreme measures.
Author's Note: This story is inspired by a thread a long long time ago on the old Haven spoiler message board... this one's for you Luder and Theef!
Disclaimer: Mulder, Krycek, Scully, Marita and Skinner are not mine, they belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century Fox.

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EXT. J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING - DAY

Mulder and Krycek are getting off work, it's a sunny day so Mulder puts on his sunglasses. They start walking down the sidewalk with a sexy sway, heading back to their apartment.

MULDER
Hey Krycek.

KRYCEK
Hey what?

MULDER
Want to invite Scully
and Marita over for
dinner tonight?

Krycek stops walking and gives Mulder a look.

KRYCEK
This isn't another lame attempt
at trying to seduce Scully, is it?
(beat) You do know she's in love with
Skinner, don't you?

Mulder gives him the "don't remind me of that" look.

MULDER
No. But it doesn't hurt
to try.

CUT TO:

INT. MULDER/KRYCEK'S APT. - 20 MINS. LATER

Krycek is standing surveilling the mess they left in their apartment before heading to work that morning, not seeming to care about the mess, Mulder is on the phone calling Scully and Marita... even though Scully moved out and back with Marita across the hall from Mulder and Krycek, Mulder still feels the need to call instead of knock on their door.

MULDER
(on phone)
Oh hey, Marita (beat/looks at Krycek)
(flirtatiously)How you doin'?

Krycek punches him on the arm.

MARITA
I'm doing good.
How about you?

MULDER
Good. Me and Krycek wanted
to invite you and Scully
over for dinner tonight. We're
cooking up something special

MARITA
Oh really (beat, to Scully)
Dana! Want to go over to Mulder
and Krycek's tonight?!

Krycek looks toward their apartment door... he can hear Marita yelling at Scully.

SCULLY (O.S.)
Sure!

MARITA
(to Mulder)
What time should we come over?

MULDER
Six O'clock.

MARITA
We'll be there.

Mulder hangs up the phone and looks around the apartment. Their couch is flipped over, the coffee table is standing up against the closet door (to keep it from falling open), several pages torn out of their magazines are all over a wall (drawn on) and tons of little pieces of who knows what are on the floor, including some old pizza delivery boxes.

MULDER
We've got to clean this up.

Krycek walks over to the coffee table to open the closet door. The moment the coffee table is out of the way, the closet door flies open and from above, falls a :::drum roll::: ... vacuum cleaner... a "Swirling In The Darkness" vacuum cleaner at that!

KRYCEK
You know how to work
one of these?

MULDER
Yes.

KRYCEK
You vacuum and I'll
prepare dinner.

Krycek exits the living room, leaving Mulder alone with the vacuum cleaner. Mulder looks at it and shrugs his shoulders and goes over to the couch and flips it back over so he can sit on it. There is a loud crash as the couch returns to its original position.

KRYCEK (O.S)
What's that?!

MULDER
(sits down/turns on TV)
Oh... nothing... just picking
some things up. (picks up remote
control)

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Krycek is standing there, not knowing what to do. He rubs his hands together wondering what to do next. He pushes everything that is just lying on the counter and shoves it into the sink, a few dishes fall to the ground and break.

KRYCEK
(yells to Mulder)
I'm gonna go to the store
to get some stuff! Ever since
Scully moved out, we haven't had
much food lying around... IT SUCKS!

Krycek walks into the living room and sees Mulder sitting down watching TV.

KRYCEK
Mulder. Please help.

Mulder stands up and leans on the vacuum cleaner.

MULDER
I was just getting started.

Krycek gives him a serious look before leaving.

CUT TO:

INT. SCULLY/MARITA'S APT - SCULLY'S BEDROOM

Clothes are scattered everywhere, on chairs, on wall frames, on the bed. SUDDENLY, Scully pops up from behind her bed. Her hair is a mess, she looks insane, she blows a loose strand of hair out of her eyes, and pouts.

SCULLY
Marita!

Marita enters the room, dressed nicely (fitting black dress, her hair in a bun). Marita is basically ready to go, even though they still have plenty of time, practically 2 more hours before 6pm.

MARITA
Dana, it's not that big a
deal. Just wear that nice
black dress he gave you
last Christmas.

SCULLY
Isn't that being a ,
bit obvious?

Scully, frustrated, sits down on the bed, she's hopeless.

MARITA
If you want him
this bad -

SCULLY
- I don't! (beat) But I do.
If he's there, I'll need to
look my best. (thinks) Can you
call Mulder and ask if they
invited him too?

MARITA
If it will help you decide
what to wear faster, sure.

Marita picks up the phone and dials, she's too lazy to walk across the hall to knock on their door). It rings 5 times before anyone picks up, Scully sits there with a hopeful expression on her face.

MULDER
(filtered)
Mulder.

MARITA
Hi, it's Marita.

MULDER
(filtered)
What can I do for you, babe?

MARITA
Actually, Scully wants
to know something.

MULDER
(filtered)
Shoot.

MARITA
Did you invite Skinner
over too? (rolls eyes)

MULDER
(filtered)
No, I didn't think of it.
(beat) How do you work a
"Swirling In The Darkness"
vacuum cleaner?

MARITA
You guys bought on of those?
It's only gonna cause more
trouble than it's worth. (beat)
It probably works like any other
vacuum cleaner.

Scully gives her an odd look.

MARITA
(to Mulder)
You're on your own.

Marita hangs up the phone.

SCULLY
(eager)
Well?

MARITA
No, Mulder didn't think
of inviting Walter.

For an instant, Scully looks saddened, then her eyes light up.

SCULLY
(stands)
But you never know!

Scully starts rummaging through her clothes again.

TIME CUT TO:

INT. MULDER/KRYCEK'S APT - 4:30 P.M.

Mulder has figured out how to turn on the vacuum cleaner and is vacuuming their entire apartment. As he vacuums, he pushes things out of his way and into his bedroom, since Scully moved out, no one goes in there anymore anyways, and he and Krycek haven't really had the time to transform it into ... The Love Room (a place to take their lady friends when things get hot n' steamy). Then he stops, the vacuum still running. Mulder looks at it carefully, but can't figure out how to turn it off, so he pushes it into Krycek's side of the apartment and leaves it running. The vacuum hum is very loud. He goes back into the living room and continues to watch TV after admiring how well he cleaned up the place.

A few minutes pass and Krycek finally returns, entering through Mulder's apartment door, since he forgot his keys and Mulder never locks his door. Hearing the vacuum cleaner going:

KRYCEK
(mumble to himself)
Thank God...

Then Krycek realizes that Mulder is sitting down watching TV.

KRYCEK
(yelling, shocked)
MULDER!

Mulder looks away from the TV and waves at Krycek.

MULDER
Hey! How do you turn
that thing off?!

Krycek gives him a look and then goes over to the vacuum to turn it off, but... he can't find the switch, he doesn't want Mulder to know this, so he remains bent over the vacuum, inspecting it for a long time.

MULDER
(smart ass)
You can't find the switch.

Frustrated, Krycek stands up and nods his head "yes".

As the vacuum cleaner continues to make that obnoxious humming noise, Krycek looks to Mulder, Mulder looks to Krycek and SUDDENLY, Krycek starts kicking the crap out of the vacuum like a good ol' mature person.

Mulder stands there mesmerized at what he is witness to, he's very amused. Then he walks up to the vacuum that Krycek is beating up and places his hands around the handle, to strangle and shake the cleaner, as Krycek continues to kick it.

After a few minutes of getting nowhere, Krycek stops. This isn't working, Mulder continues to strangle it. Krycek leaves the room to go get something. Once Krycek has left the room, Mulder stands up and starts to kick the crap out of it.

Krycek returns, carrying with him crime scene tape, he starts to form a square boundary around the vacuum cleaner, then proceeds to take some black paste (we don't know where he found it) and puts it on his face, it's like Indian war face paint.

MULDER
What are you doing?

Krycek looks at him, but doesn't answer. After taking a deep breath, Krycek roughly takes off his shirt, and tosses it onto the couch, a scowel on his face, he then messes up his hair, so it looks messy and spikey. Mulder is confused. Krycek steps into the square he made.

KRYCEK
(announcer voice)
Ladies and gentlemen.
In this corner, world wrestling
champion (beat) A-aalex Krycek!

Krycek does a war dance, Mulder's jaw drops he doesn't know what has gotten into Krycek.

KRYCEK
(continued)
And in the other corner...
a 90 pound "Swirling In The Darkness"
vacuum cleaner... that won't SHUT
THE HELL UP!!!

And with that, Krycek leaps onto the vacuum cleaner, causing it to fall down. He's rolling around on the floor with it, punching it... even biting the handle at one point, he's growling, he's basically lost his mind. As Mulder watches this, he becomes inspired.

ZOOM ANGLE

Mulder's eyes go wide, possessed. He screams like Tarzan as he literally rips his work shirt off, buttons flying everywhere, and he leaps into the square screaming:

MULDER
MIGHTY MULDER!!!

Mulder punches the vacuum bag, a hold is made. He and Krycek continue to beat the vacuum to death, the dirt from the broken bag is flying everywhere. It is getting hard to see through the dust and dirt polluting the air, gusts of dirt swirl around them as the room becomes darker and darker...

... As the moments pass us by...

CUT TO:

APARTMENT HALLWAY -

Scully and Marita exit their apartment across the hall from Mulder and Krycek's. As Marita knocks on the door, they hear a vacuum running and barbaric yelps. Scully and Marita share a look.

CUT TO:

INT - MULDER/KRYCEK'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mulder and the vacuum are rolling around on the ground, as Krycek mentally prepares himself for a second round with the cleaner. After shaking his head and grunting like a baboon, Krycek rejoins Mulder in the fight for silence in their apartment.

While he and Mulder attack the vacuum, Marita and Scully open their door and enter. They stand there in shock at what they see... two grown men beating up a vacuum cleaner.

MARITA
ALEX!!!

KRYCEK
(not paying any attention)
That's Superman to you, baby!

After a few moments, Mulder and Krycek stop, realizing they now have an audience. They freeze in their last assumed position. Mulder biting the handle and Krycek punching at the empty bag. They look like men raised by wolves. The vacuum continues...

SCULLY
(yelling over the vacuum)
What are you doing?!

Mulder and Krycek stand up in front of the vacuum cleaner. They remain silent for a moment as Scully and Marita look from Mulder and Krycek to the vacuum, trying to hint to them to turn it off.

MARITA
(loudly, yet calm)
Alex, turn off the vacuum.

And with that Krycek breaks down crying, clutching onto Mulder's arm as he falls to his knees. Mulder fights back tears that are swelling in his eyes, his lips quivering.

MARITA
(loud)
You were serious about
not knowing how to turn
that thing off?!

Mulder shakes his head "yes" shamefully.

SCULLY
(disbelief)
Oh geez!

She stomps through the piles of dirt to the electrical outlet and pulls the plug on the vacuum, it stops, all is quiet.

SCULLY
There! Now stop your crying!

Krycek stands up, wiping tears away from his eyes.

KRYCEK
(looking down like a kid)
Yes, Scully.

MULDER
(to Krycek)
Baby.

Krycek glares at Mulder and punches him in the stomach.

MULDER
(wincing in pain)
Ow...

MARITA
Stop it you two!

Mulder looks at her with his puppy dog eyes, begging for attention.

MULDER
He hurt me...

KRYCEK
Grow up man!

MULDER
No! You!

They agressively approach eachother, Scully steps between them, just as Mulder takes a strong, hard punch at Krycek, except he misses and punches Scully in the eye. Krycek giggles. Scully falls to the dirty ground.

MARITA
Look what you've done!

She glares at Mulder.

KRYCEK
Hey, at least no one will
notice the blackeye.
It'll match her makeup.

Both Mulder and Krycek giggle. SUDDENLY, Krycek realizes what is really really wrong!

KRYCEK
Oh no! The dinner!

MULDER
(smacks forehead)
Oh no!

SCULLY
(from floor)
Let me guess... it's
nowhere near ready.

KRYCEK
(surprised she knew)
Yeah! How'd you know?!

Scully rolls her eyes.

MARITA
Well it's a good thing
we anticipated this and
made a dinner over at our
apartment.

MULDER
(hurt)
You did what?

SCULLY
We made a spahgetti dinner
we figured you guys would mess
things up... we just didn't know
that literally the place would be
this messy.

KRYCEK
Whew! Let's go eat, I'm hungry.

MARITA
Alex... I think you two
need to wash up before you
even think of stepping one foot
into our apartment.

She looks at them expectantly.

MULDER
Aw! Man!

Mulder and Krycek go their separate ways to wash up in the bathroom, as Scully and Marita exit the apartment... shaking their heads.

SCULLY
I told you something would happen.

MARITA
They were like baboons.

They giggle.

SCULLY
Krycek looked cute with
that war paint on.

MARITA
(sighs)
Didn't he? What a turn on!

Scully looks at her oddly.

SCULLY
(confused)
I thought you didn't want
to get involved with Alex.

MARITA
Well, he's hot! Isn't he?

Scully nods her head in agreement... as she opens the door to their apartment.

SCULLY
Not as hot as Walter.

MARITA
Are you two thinking about
getting back together?

SCULLY
Well not really but kinda
and kinda not.

MARITA
What?

SCULLY
I don't know... (hopeless)
I don't know what to do with
the situation anymore... it
keeps getting more and more
complicated...

Scully doesn't really elaborate on that because perhaps she doesn't even know exactly what she meant, but hey at least something in her is acknowledging it... Scully plops down on the couch, she looks at Marita with a childish look in her eye.

SCULLY
(mysterious)
Actually... we are back together.
We want to keep it a secret.

Marita nods her head...

SUDDENLY they hear loud clanky noises in the hallway... Mulder and Krycek fighting again, they hear their yelps as they take punches at eachother.

KRYCEK (O.S.)
Why did you do that Mulder?!

MULDER (O.S.)
I thought you'd want to smell
like rosebuds!

Scully and Marita let out huge sighs,and lean back on the couch. Will they ever get to eating dinner tonight?

FADE OUT:

THE END