Author: Nathan (Masochistic Monkey) West
Summary: Mulder makes dinner…and mayhem
Authors Note: I watched quite a bit of Gallager before I wrote this, so it has a little bit of pounding things to a drippy pulp in it. Also I hope your mind is already in the gutter, because if it's not it will be by the end of this. Disclaimer: Mulder, Krycek, Skinner, Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century Fox.
CUT TO INT. MULDERS APT-Overhead view of Mulder on couch and of the TV. Begins to spiral down to close-up of Mulder.
Mulder is sitting on the couch in front of the TV. He is in a dirty dress shirt with one shoe on and a loose tie hanging down around his chest. He is messed and there is a sliver of drool coming out of his mouth. The TV is just playing static. Mulder has a blank look on his face while he just stares at the TV. This goes on for about 15 seconds when Krychek opens the apartment door and enters carrying a bag of groceries.
Krychek: Hey Mulder. Guess what…Tonight is your night to cook dinner! So hop to it.
Mulder turns his head to look at Krychek with the same blank expression on his face. He then turns his head back to the TV and then gets up. He moves slowly to the kitchen looking like some kind of zombie. He looks at the groceries that Krychek placed on the counter for him to use in making dinner. He walks over to it doggedly, picks up the bag, and takes it over to the cutting board. He sets down the bag and pulls out a carton of eggs. He opens the drawer and in front of him and pulls out a mallet. He then proceeds to smash the mallet into the carton filled with eggs. When the carton and the eggs are thoroughly smashed, he reaches up into the cupboard and pulls out a plastic bowl. He then reaches into the bag and pulls out a bunch of oranges in a plastic baggy. He proceeds to smash these into oblivion. When he is through pulverizing the oranges he opens the baggy and dumps the oranges into the bowl. He once again reaches into the bag and pulls out a gallon of milk. He smashes the middle of the carton, sending the cap and half the milk spraying across the room. He then picks up the leaky jug and pours the remains of the milk into the bowl. He reaches for the last thing in the bag, a bag of spaghetti, and begins to pound the bag against his forehead until the bag bursts open sending spaghetti-shrapnel everywhere. Yet he manages to get most of it into the bowl. He looks down at the contents of the bowl (smashed egg carton, egg shells, eggs, oranges, milk, and spaghetti strands) and starts mixing it together with his hands. Krychek comes in.
Krychek: When's dinner going to be ready?
Mulder: (very monotone) Soon.
Krychek leaves and Mulder picks up the bowl and walks over to the microwave. He tries to put the bowl in the microwave without opening the door first. He continues to ram the door with the bowl about four times before he finally decides to open the door. He then tosses the bowl into the microwave and sets the timer for five minutes. He then walks over to the refrigerator where he begins to pound his head against it. This goes on for about five seconds.
TIME LAPSE-5 MINUTES
Mulder is still banging his head against the fridge when the timer for the microwave goes off. He stops and walks over to the microwave. He rams his hand through the glass of the microwave door and pulls out the putrid, steaming mass of what now resembles a gelatinous blob.
Krychek comes running into the kitchen like a little kid and eagerly sits down at the table with fork and knife in hand, awaiting the meal. Mulder slowly walks over and drops the steaming mass down in front of Krychek's plate. Krychek pokes the blob with his fork and lift up the entire thing by his fork. He drops it back down with a sickening thud. Krychek looks at the right side of it, where there is a yellow bubble growing out of the melted plastic sheeting. Krychek pokes it with his fork and stream of boiling egg yoke mixed in with milk shoots out of the stuff and goes out the window, where you can hear a cat scream loudly. Krychek shrugs and tries to use his knife to cut the gunk, but it just bounces off the mass and narrowly misses stabbing itself into Krychek's eye. He looks surprised, but then realizes that he was using his prosthetic arm to cut the gunk. He switches the knife between hands and begins to saw the knife back and forth across the gunk. Finally, he cuts off a large piece and shoves it into his mouth. He chews for several minutes and then swallows with an obvious effort, sits still for a moment and then looks up at Mulder and grins.
Krychek: Mmm. That was really good.
Mulder just continues to stare at him. Krychek hastily finishes the meal, stands up, and walks out of the room. Mulder continues standing there staring at the chair where Krychek was, when suddenly a huge, semi-transparent, purple entity leaps from Mulder's chest. It slowly looks around and then floats to the doorway, where it sees Krychek standing in front of the TV. It quickly rushes towards his chest, when at the last possible instant Krychek turns towards the sound of banging coming from the front door. The entity rushes into his prosthetic arm. Krychek, unaware as to what has just happened, rushes to the front door.
Krychek: Where's your ke…
Scully: Not a word. Subway, funny little man, now no purse. That's all you need to know!
CLOSE UP OF KRYCHEK'S FACE
Suddenly what looks like a prosthetic hand smacks Krychek in the face and then quickly disappears at the bottom of the screen again. Krychek shakes his head and looks around. His head is turned to the left, when the hand comes up again and smacks him in the back of his head. He stumbles to the left and begins to look around wildly. Scully has collapsed on the floor laughing hysterically.
Krychek: What is that?!? WHAT!?!
He looks down at the ground, when the hand places itself over his head, driving him face-first into the ground. Scully bursts out laughing, spitting and drooling unstoppably. Krychek wearily lifts up his head only to see the hand ram it's fingers into his eyes. He gropes his face with his good hand and he stands up blindly. We see him stumble about, when the arm reaches for a nearby tennis racket. Krychek looks over in time to see the racket hit his face. Krychek does a half-flip onto his stomach where he lies for a few minutes. Scully is hunched over and holding her sides while laughing uncontrollably. Krychek is apparently unconscious at this point. The purple entity once again appears over Krychek. It sits still for a moment as though contemplating something before shooting straight into Scully. Scully stops laughing suddenly and jumps straight up standing perfectly erect. She walks over the unconscious Krychek and walks into the kitchen. She enters the kitchen and stands before Mulder's unconscious body when we hear footsteps in the living room. The purple entity exits Scully's body, making Scully's body fall on top of Mulder making them look like they're doing something that they shouldn't. The purple entity rushes into the living room. Skinner is looking at the remote that is now covered in a coat of Mulder's saliva. He tries to push the off button, but his hand slides along the drool, pressing the "most hated channel" turning it to a TVangelist.
TVangelist: And I say to you good people. Feel the love of God in your life. The only way to prove your love of God is to give us all the money in your bank accounts…
The purple entity is now wavering behind Skinner. The TVangelist continues his sermon, and also making the purple entity turn around and rush out of sight just as Skinner turns around to the sound of moaning coming from the kitchen. He walks to the doorway where he freezes with a look of utter disbelief on his face. Mulder is moaning and Scully is wriggling trying to rise but continually falling back down, giving off the wrong appearance to Skinner. Skinner, now with a horrified look on his face, turns around quickly and rushes out of the room. Mulder finally gains total consciousness and looks at Scully attempting to get up, but also giving him the wrong appearance. He smiles down at her.
Mulder: Scully! I knew you couldn't get enough of me. Baby, you could have just asked. Papa here would have been happy to give you the tour.
Scully pulls out her gun and points it right at Mulder's "Papa".
Scully: You ever say anything like that again and I'll make sure your tour shuts down. Permanently!
Mulder suddenly looks hurt.
Mulder: You mean you don't wanna see my Papa?
She finally succeeds in standing just in time to avoid the arrow that flew straight through the air, where her head had just been. Mulder looks at the arrow, a mere hairsbreadth from his face. We hear a savage wail of rage, and see Skinner in nothing but his underwear, which he has spray-painted green and brown like camouflage. His body is also painted like camouflage. Scully gets up and runs towards the door, but skinner takes out a small figurine from inside his "drawers" and heaves it at Scully's head.
POV- FIGURINE FLYING THROUGH AIR
It is a small little gnome whizzing through the air. We see the gnome fly through a purple haze that instantly disappears when it is hit. The gnome begins to grin
POV- LEFT SIDE OF SCULLY
We see the possessed gnome shatter into tiny bits against Scully's head. Scully falls down a few inches from the door. Skinner gives a loud war cry, scaring the begeezers out of Mulder who gets up and runs straight into the wall behind him, knocking him unconscious again. Skinner hunches over like a savage and begins to tromp around the room. Suddenly he sees the fish in the fish tank.
POV- FISH TANK
Jake The Fish: Look at that guy running around the room in his underwear.
Tony The Fish: He's probably just some bozo loser.
Jake The Fish: Well he's coming over here.
POV- RIGHT SIDE OF SKINNER
Skinner eyes the fish hungrily and begins looking around the room. He sees a tall lamp over in the corner of the room. Skinner rushes over to it and picks it up by its middle. He rushes over to the fish tank, let's out a mighty yell, and jumps up on the table that the fish tank is residing on. He starts to spear the lamp into the water, trying to stab one of the fish for dinner. This goes on for a about 10 seconds when Skinner accidentally spears the lamp to hard, and breaks the bulb on the bottom of the tank, the same instant that the fish jump out of the tank.
POV-FRONT VIEW OF THE FLYING FISH
They jump out of the water grinning as Skinner spears the lamp once more and breaks the end of the bulb.
POV- ARIAL VIEW OF LIVING ROOM- CENTER ON SKINNER
Skinner begins to spasm violently as blue streaks of electricity flow through his body. After about 5 seconds of this, Skinner lets go of the lamp and flies across the room, through the kitchen door and lands on Mulder in quite the compromising position.
POV- ARIAL VIEW OF ALLEY BEHIND THE APARTMENT
There is a cat rummaging through the garbage. We are only able to see his left side. The cat looks up, screeches and turns around to run. We now see a giant splotch of hair missing from the midsection of the cat. There is also a puddle of the goop Mulder made hanging from the fur around the bare splotch. We see the purple entity rush into the cat.
POV- KITCHEN- WINDOW
We see the cat jump up on the window ledge. It looks at Mulder and Skinner in their new 69 position and cocks it's head to the side in puzzlement. Suddenly, we hear the sounds of Krychek stirring. The cat rushes to the living room.
POV- LIVING ROOM
Krychek is on his hand and knees, slowly rising. He is just about up when he sneezes so violently that it propels him backwards and onto his back. Krychek raises his head and sees the cat on the couch.
Krychek: (through a clogged nose) Oh no.
He lets out another sneeze which sends his head through floor, knocking him unconscious once again. The cat walks over to Krycheck's body and jumps on top of his chest. It meows loudly and then collapses as the purple entity leaves it's small body. The cat falls down right in front of Krychek's nose. The purple entity rises up to the center of the room where it can clearly see all the body's lying around the room. Skinner begins to rouse into to consciousness. The purple entity rushes into the kitchen flies into a tenderizer mallet. The mallet begins to drag itself over to the edge of the counter next to Skinner. Skinner looks up in time to see the mallet and so he rolls out of the way, unfortunately for Mulder Skinner's head was over Mulder's special-no-no-place. Mulder sits up and screams in a soprano voice and collapses in pain. Skinner jumps up and rushes out of the room since he can now see the purple entity. Skinner is looking back at the entity while running forward straight into the couch. He flips over the side of it and he lands on the liquid-covered remote. The TV jumps to life turning the TVangelist on once again. The purple entity stops flying and begins to quiver in it's place.
TVangelist: …and so I say to you Satan…BEGONE! Leave this world and it's people be!
The purple entity quakes faster and faster, until it disappears in a puff of purple smoke. Skinner looks around oddly and stands up. Just then everyone else awakens. Krychek is up part way before he sneezes so hard it makes him do a back flip. Everyone finally gets to the center of the room.
Scully: What's with the outfit Skinner?
Mulder: Hey cool outfit man. I gotta try that sometime.
Scully screams at the thought of that punches Mulder in the face making him do a full 360 degree turn and then fall on the floor unconscious again. Scully looks about the room at the unconscious Krychek and Mulder, then she turns to Skinner.
Scully: You know. You're kinda sexy in that outfit.
Skinner: Oh, well…
Scully grabs him by the drawers and drags him into the bedroom. Moaning begins to come from the room and we can hear Scully sream.
Scully: Oh yes! Give it to me Jungle Man. Yes. Yes. Swing back and forth! YES!
Wish to let the author know what you thought of the story?
Please click on the graphic below and let them know.
Please state the title of the story you are sending feedback for. Thank you.